ShotsWeb

I came across this homeless bloke the other day. He was sat on the floor with a guitar, singing "Take a look at my girlfriend"

I said, "That's Supertramp."

Tell me a joke about a flat tire. No pressure.

I've hurt my foot and need to go to the doctor's surgery to get it checked out.

Hopefully he'll heal my heel.

A german tourist jumped in the water to save a dog who was drowning. After climbing out, he gave the dog back to the very distressed owner and said "here is ze dog. Keep him warm and dry him off he vill be fine." The owner said "Thank you, but are you a vet?" "Vet?!" he...

Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.

BREAKING: There has been an accident on the M62 along with an apparent theft of motorway signage. Police are looking for Leeds.

A man is sitting in the pub after a long day, drinking a pint. As he sits there, mulling over his day, a voice shouts "Hope you have a good day!" He looks round and there's nobody there. He's a little bit confused for a moment but then thinks nothing of it. Five minutes later, he hears the...

I sent my hearing aids off for repair last week, but I've heard nothing since.

Cockney amputees are 'armless.

Anon E Mouse wrote: ↑Wed Mar 30, 2022 8:28 am “I was diagnosed with Leslie Nielsen syndrome at the Doctors surgery today…”

“Oh! What is it?”

“It’s a place where they examine patients, but that’s not important right now…”

Siri told me to stop calling her Shirley. I realised I left my phone on Airplane mode.

"Thank you. I've been dying to come here for a while." he said, as he entered the Swiss clinic.