ShotsWeb

Well after 5 years of being the president of my local stilt walking club, I'm finally stepping down!

Poop jokes aren't my favourite kind of joke.

But they are a solid #2.

I've just bought a Humpty Dumpty toy from Aldi. It's brilliant…

It comes with Aldi Kings horses and Aldi Kings men!

I took the dog for a walk and fancied a pint.
The pub had a sign, 'Guide Dogs Only'
So I put my shades on and walked in.
' Sorry, no dogs, guide dogs only'
I replied, 'It is a guide dog'
'guide dogs are usually Labradors'
I felt down and said, 'What have they given me.?'

Sad news today.
H from 'Steps' has been admitted to the hospital after a helicopter landed on him.

I was at my mate's stag night yesterday, when he and his brother handed me a glass full of yellow, lukewarm liquid.

"Drink it," they said giggling. It was only when I smelt it that I realised the prank the bastards were trying to pull...

Carlsberg!

Went out for a walk this morning and found a box of frozen fish on the pavement. I was going to hand it in to the police, but then decided it was a case of Findus kippers!

The bloke scanning my shopping yesterday was rude, miserable, and looked massively hungover…

That's the last time I'm using a self scan checkout!

My wife and I are having a competition on who can steal the most dog related stuff from our local pet shop…

I've just taken the lead!

The man who invented the spell checker died today. May he rust in piss

I stayed up all last night trying ro remember if I had Insomnia or Amnesia

BREAKING NEWS: A man was admitted to the hospital today with 25 plastic toy horses inserted in his rectum.

Doctors have described his condition as stable.

Pancake Tuesday already. It really creped up on us this year.

Life is all about perspective. I have a friend who has sex 2-3 times a day, exercises twice a day, reads 2 books a week, yet every day he complains how much he hates prison

I would like to congratulate my niece for passing her mouth organ exam…

Well done our Monica!